This weekend is going to be full of family time, BIG surprises for our kids, quiet time remembering the greatest gift of all and a little sadness.

There is a stocking hanging above our wood stove that will remain untouched. There is a place in all of our hearts that will be empty tomorrow morning. We will remember God's perfect timing and be covered in His peace and for that we will rejoice.

Jason has always made fun of me for having extra stockings. I always tell him just wait we are going to use them all someday. One is now filled with all kinds of boy things for Shaun. One has a shiny S for a little girl in Liberia and last but not least one says Titus and has onesies and blankets with tiny cars on them. We are waiting with great anticipation for a call saying we have been chosen by a birth mother. Our Christmas is about so much more this year. Our greatest gift won't be material, but the love that we have in our hearts for our two babies we haven't even met yet!!

Merry Christmas Sundayma and someday soon baby Titus!!

Adoption Breaks the Heart of God.

I listened to a message a while back about adoption. The woman opened with the line "adoption breaks the heart of God." I was kind of taken back. Why would adoption break God's heart? He adopted us. Giving homes to orphans, isn't that what he told us to do? I didn't get it. I'm really not sure I heard anything else she said.

I understand now. There is a song by Lincoln Brewster that says "surely children weren't made for the street and fathers were not meant to leave. Surely this isn't how it should be". That's it. This is not how it's supposed to be. Adoption breaks the heart of God, because adoption is the result of our sinful nature. Some foolish, some intentional, some violent and hideous.

The world of adoption is a whole new place. You can't truly understand it until you are fully immersed in it. I don't say that self righteously. I've been outside this world and judged, stared and pointed fingers. Now I live in that world. There are so many facets to this world. There are healthy, happy babies, there are terrified toddlers, angry kids, abused kids. They all have different stories. Different hurt at different times.

I see the fear in the eyes of my sweet little boy. I don't think he even knows why he's afraid. Deep in his soul he's terrified though. He's been abandoned before. I believe God is healing his little heart every day. It breaks God's heart that he is afraid, that it took him a year to trust us. It breaks God heart that his mother must look at his pictures and feel so lost without him.

It breaks God's heart that my daughter in Africa has never known the love of a mother and father. Her life has no value to so many people. I pray everyday that she knows she is loved by her heavenly father, valued as a princess in his eternal kingdom. That her heart will be filled by Him.

So, yes adoption breaks the heart of God. I believe our family is being obedient doing a miniscule thing in this huge world of sin. He is mending broken hearts through us. He has allowed four crazy girls to love Shaun unconditionally, he has allowed Madalyn to slowly build a sisterhood with Sundayma. But the circumstances of how they became a part of our family break his heart. I hope that in our blind faith we will Glorify His name!

SO THANKFUL

One year ago, maybe less I wasn't innocent. Probably oblivious to the world. I have 5 healthy kids, a hard working husband who loves me in spite of me, and 2 fluffy dogs! Yes, I was well aware of poverty, violence, and sickness, but it was very far away.

Last year at this time I never knew a child who was fighting for her life, had lost all her hair, but not her fight. I had parents who were going to be married forever. I never worried about my little granny. I never knew someone who had been a victim of horrible domestic violence. I never knew a child personally who had been raped and suffered her whole life at the hands of those who saw her as worthless. I am a new person. A new person with horrible images in my head, sadness in my heart, and hope for the future.

It's easy to never doubt God when you have no reason to. When your life is a little fairy tale story book of course God is real. But when you have to look at a sick child screaming it makes you wonder a bit. When a stranger becomes your daughter, but you can't even touch her or protect her, that faith begins to waiver. When your holidays and birthdays have to be split between your parents, you get angry at God. But all of the sudden you really need God. He has to be real or you can't face reality.

He has to be real for Ella, or she wouldn't still be fighting. He has to be real for Jeanna or she wouldn't have been able to truly walk away. He has to be really for Sundayma or she would have curled up in a ball and died. He has to be real to heal the hearts of my family. I am trusting more than ever and I am grateful reality came and busted up my fairy tale.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and a second helping of reality. Reality of the hunger, violence and sickness the world faces. Reality of who God is and what he's done for you. Reality of the hunger, violence and sickness the world faces.

I don't even like roller coasters...

Why you ask? Why don't I like roller coasters? Well, I don't like waiting. I don't like standing in that line while the anticipation wells up like a home made volcano about to blow. I don't like hoping that the safety harness is going to hold me in my seat. And I really don't like my body being whipped all over the place and my stomach ending up in my throat. Up and down, jerking this way and that. Yes, there is definitely some excitement along the way. But I'd really rather just stick to the merry-go-round. It's safe there. I know exactly what's going to happen and I'm not going to get sick!
So guess where life throws me? Yes, the roller coaster. The roller coaster named adoption, Africa. I am waiting in that line, being tossed to and fro. I am in love with this little girl, every day I envision her sitting next to me in church, laughing in the back seat of the car, sleeping safely in her bed. Then I hear the government and the laws are changing, she's sick and not getting better. This is the scariest emotional roller coaster I've ever been on. But I'm on, I'm committed, I'm not going to be the one who says "wait I want to get off". Even if I wanted to I couldn't.
When all is said and done I know that God will be glorified. When I step out of my seat and set my wobbly self on the ground, I hope you will all know I didn't do it alone. With Him all things are possible.

It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you might live as you wish- Mother Teresa

I took Lia to Dallas last weekend to see her friend who is going through chemotherapy. It was a great experience for Lia. It was hard for her to see her friend and the reality in which she now lives. But in a few short days she learned how to flush a line, change a bandage, cheer her friend on while she swallows pills, but most importantly how to love unconditionally. And when God asks us to do something it might be hard, frustrating and confusing, but you can't just walk away.

While I was there it was our girls 10th birthday in Africa. Jason and Sami got to talk to her for the first, so while I hoped this would be a joyful day for her, it wasn't. Some things came out about her past that were so hard to swallow. The kind of things that are incomprehensible. My first reaction was anger. I'm still angry. Angry that my little girl has already had to go through so many hardships, angry that someone would dare to lay a hand on her, angry that I can't hold her and tell her she's going to be ok.

The question was asked if we were going to change our minds. If this was going to be too much. I immediately said no, she's our child, thick and thin. Then the reality of it hit me and it made me a little nervous. I read the blog of another family talking about the reality of this world. We live in this "perfect" world, where we have a place to sleep, food on our tables, and most of us are safe. We don't want to think about orphans. We don't want to really understand. But I know now. I understand and I can't walk away. If I did I would be choosing disobedience. If I did I would be choosing to live as I wish and leaving a child to a world where Satan is fighting so hard to destroy her life.

I can't explain how I fell in love with this little girl I really don't know. I can't explain how I know she's ours. I can't explain how I know she will come home someday. God is at work, he will heal her, he will bring her home.

The voice of a little girl.

Madalyn is going to have to get a job to pay for her international phone calls! She asks me everyday if she can call her new sister. The first time she called the she had a hard time understanding so she handed me the phone. I said hello and heard the sweetest little voice. I didn't expect her to sound so young since she's almost 11. She is sweet, probably a little shy, and is becoming more comfortable the more we talk to her. Her birthday is in 2 weeks and it will be the first one she's celebrated in a long time maybe ever. I can't wait to hear her when we sing Happy Birthday to her! Such a range of emotion knowing she's knows she belongs, she knows when her birthday is, but knowing it may not be the last one she spends away from her new family.

One less.

http://vimeo.com/15064039

*This is part of a new song Matthew West wrote on adoption and the story behind it.

Not so long ago I wrote that I had no idea where God was taking us with the foster care situation. We were starting to shy away from it. I asked Jason how sure he was that we were done having kids including adopting. He said 100%. We were done. A little sad, but *wink wink* I just so happen to know God sometimes, uses that never and turns it into forever.

About a month ago we were sent some pictures of some orphans to pray for. Madalyn picked out one particular little girl out of 7 or 8. She asked if we could bring her home. I laughed and said no. But the eyes of this incredibly beautiful girl burned a hole in my heart.

I inquired about her so Madalyn could be praying. Turns out she wasn't even available to be adopted because she had been sold to marry a much older man when she turned 14. Little miss nosey read my email before me and I had to explain this horrific story to my 11 year old. I told her God put this on her heart so she could intercede on her behalf for safety and love. Well that is exactly what she did. She even asked a friend at school to pray. A few days later I received a call that this little girl had been set free from a life I can't ever imagine. God used the prayers of two 11 year old girls to do a mighty work.

I showed Jason her picture that night and he immediately without reservation said we can't leave her there. With one glance at a far away photo he was 100% sure she was our daughter. It was the same feeling when we saw Shaun's picture, he was ours and we would do anything to get him home.

I have no idea when I will ever be able to hug my child, but she is ours. We are trusting God that He will bring home. There are still months of paper work to be done, but there is NO doubt in my mind she will come home. There is an unexplainable peace I have.

I am asking you to join Madalyn and our family in interceding on the behalf of our daughter. Paper work needs to be approved quickly, hearts need to be softened, rules may have to be broken. I believe in miracles. I believe we have a God who can do anything and I have never felt so strongly that this is going to be a story that changes lives and hearts for generations.

So... not sure who is reading this. If you are and you are wondering what's going on. I'm asking myself the same question! We came across a "situation" of two little boys in the Colorado foster system who were legally free and ready to be adopted. We were prayerfully and seriously considering doing it. And for Jason to even consider this is a BIG deal. He had made his opinion very clear on adopting again. I really felt like Shaun needed a brother who looked like him and Jason wasn't interested.

Well after we got the full report on these beautiful little boys we realized we were in way over our heads. There was no way we could give what they needed. That same week Jason was gone a few days and some of Shaun's old, fearful behaviors started creeping up. I realized what having more people moving in and out of our lives might do to Shaun right now.

Again, I don't know what's going on. Is God preparing us to adopt again? Is He opening Jason's heart to this? Is He telling us to wait and prepare our hearts and our children over time for future foster care? Anyone have any answers let me know! We are waiting and watching. I want to constantly be pursuing God's will and am grateful He sees the whole picture when I can only see the pieces.

Beautiful Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ajIFfSaEzE&feature=relatedon Thursday

Stomping my feet...

Jason and I decided that if we were going to do this we needed to do it all the way. That meant the unthinkable. Cover the young children's ears. 15 passenger van. That's right I said it. A word I never wanted to come out of my mouth.

We listed our economically friendly Volvo in the paper. Two weeks and nothing. Yes! Maybe God was keeping it for a reason. Last day in the paper and someone calls and buys it the next day. Good bye sweet 7 passenger SUV.

I was excited deep down. I was excited to see where God was taking us. Until Saturday night when the week just came to a head and yes I blew up (it happens occasionally). I couldn't do it anymore. Five is a big number and Shaun has been struggling. I give so much to help him move forward and when he back slides it hurts and it's frustrating.

I drug myself to church, tuned everything out and felt sorry for myself. I got home and told Jason I was done and I didn't want to do foster care and definitely didn't want a 15 passenger van! Well being the wonderful husband he is, he had an appointment for a massage waiting for me. Great now I couldn't be mad at him anymore.

God began softening my heart as I had some time to think. I realized that just because I was done didn't mean God was done. In my weakness He was made strong. When God called Moses he said the same thing. I can't, I'm not the right person. Well look what God did there!

This morning by noon I had heard the song that is carrying us through this 3 times! I'm a big believer in music and I couldn't deny that God was talking to me.

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet." Hebrews 12:12