The Not Me Box

It would appear I haven't written in this blog in a while, a long while. In the last two years my life turned into something I never thought it would be. I muttered the words "our lives are kind of boring" in 2012 and that was the end of my boring life.
I have been pondering the delusional box many of us live in. The "not me" box. That would never happen to me, I could never become that person, I would never do that... you know the one. It's where we are a little better than the guy next to us, where we think we are invincible. We aren't. And we are foolish to believe that.
I look back on the last two years and I see my "not me" box exploded all over the place. It left a trail of joy and sorrow, immense heart break (literally and metaphorically), loss and confusion and thankfully healing. But no matter how quickly or completely we heal, the scars are there. They will remain a part of my family forever.
There are two sides to living in this delusional box. One is the idea that we are a step above.  We don't protect ourselves from the things outside the box. They certainly couldn't effect us so there is no reason to be prepared. Like a theif in the night, we are taken. We wake up and have no idea how we arrived at this place of despair. This was not supposed to happen to me, I'm not this person, I knew what I was doing. And then comes the long, dark, uphill climb. Scratching and clawing for the light. But in those moments we find grace. It's small and it doesn't always last long, but if we are still it's there. The unconditional love of the few who are confident we will survive, the grace of a loving Father who never turns his back on His children. The fight is long and hard, but it's worth it. And in the end we become better people. We learn to guard what's most precious to us, to always be alert. We suddenly realize we are capable of becoming monsters, we are capable of losing everything. We are also capable of great love and great sacrifice. The kind we never knew inside that box.

The second and equally dangerous part of the "not me" box is lack of empathy. It could never happen to me turns into a very judgemental life. We become better therefore we lack compassion, kindness and understanding. We see a hurting world, but it's a hurt they have inflicted upon themselves. What are we supposed to do about that? Sometimes the only way to wipe our righteous glasses clean is to drop into that darkness and experience for ourselves the pain.  We begin to understand. We lose all judgements.  We understand the reality, the depths, the struggle.

Be cautious of the box you live in today. Open your mind and your heart. Look around at the people around you. Realize the hurt and the loss. Be gracious. Guard your hearts and your minds, guard your children. If you're drowning today, know you are not alone!  Find someone who's been where you've been. Hold their hand and walk the road with them.  If you don't know what to say, listen. And remember there is no place too far that God can't bring you back. His grace is enough, remember that. Even if you have to tattoo it on your arm!  I did!

Crying it out...not for me!

I have never had a baby who doesn't sleep until now. Amaya likes to go to bed at 8 and wake up around 11, right when I lay my head on my pillow. Oh, and she doesn't sleep in her bed. I attempted to get her to sleep in her crib last night. She slept a few hours woke up, I rocked her pat her back, let her cry. Then I realized something, this is stupid.

Jason and I never sleep when the other one is gone. Lia and Sam sleep together every night. Hailey either sleeps with Madalyn or Shaun or comes in our bed. Have you noticed a pattern here? Why would I try to make my baby sleep in a huge crib all alone? No one likes being alone! We are humans. We crave love and physical touch.

What's with the self soothing? Because children and adults need to go to their rooms and pull themselves togther when they are upset? NO! We go to other people to comfort us! If it works for you great. There is no way I am going to walk out the door with my baby reaching for me and crying her heart out. Am I teaching her to be manipulative, maybe. I'm also teaching her that she doesn't have to be alone and we will always be there for her when she needs us and to buy a king size bed if she's going to have kids!

Turns out I'm a failure...

Ok, not really a failure. You know the saying shoot for the moon if you miss at least you land among the stars. Well it's true. I shot for the moon. It was an amazing journey filled with wonderful memories. We have truly landed among the stars. I live with 7 of them!

Two years ago I pulled Lia out of school for personal reasons. It was the best thing for her. I had no intentions of it lasting long or adding any students! We had a great year together. Well Christmas break rolled around and we enrolled one more. Madalyn, who is wise beyond her years told me "I can't learn in this place", (referring to the middle school). Oh boy. I actually don't know how to do 6th grade math.

Our new year started off great. I had two eager students and one who was happy at school. No problem, we can do this. Spring rolled around and Samantha had a dose of reality. She watched before a room full of concerned parents as her beloved principal lost her job. There was no explantation. Completely unfair, she said she was done.

Then came Amaya. I am so grateful for the time we have had as a family. No rushing out the door in the morning, staying up late to do homework, or volunteering! Every morning there is a fight for Amaya. They each get to spend time bonding with this amazing blessing of a baby sister! I wouldn't trade the last 7 months for anything.

My sister said to me yesterday, "Why didn't you ever say anything about reaching your breaking point?". I told her I wasn't there yet. When you have 6 kids you learn when enough is enough. When it's time to step back and say "WHOA! EVERYONE FREEZE!". This doesn't mean we've reached a breaking point, it means we've learned to avoid them!

Having a teething, non-sleeping 7 month old who loves you so much they can't stand to be away from you is exhuasting! And the best thing ever because no one will ever adore you like your baby! Little by little "school" became more and more frustrating. Jason is going to school, running a business, teaching classes and being an amazing dad. It was time to freeze and look at our situation and prioritize.

My family is always my number 1 priority. That means figuring out what's best for 8 peoople! Monday morning Madalyn, Samantha, and Lia will put on their khaki pants and polo shirts and head out the door at the ungodly hour of 7:30! There are going to be some adjustments like getting dressed, waking up, homework! They are really excited though. I am very grateful that they will be together in one tiny building where they will see each other everyday!

It's Hailey, Shaun and Amaya time! I am very excited to be able to spend some extra time with these 3. Not that Amaya and I ever spend any time apart! So, that's the scoop.

I am not a judgmental person. To each their own. I love that as our family changes our lives can adapt to that. We will homeschool again, very likely. Will my kids go to public school again, very likely. Will they thank me someday for giving them options and moving them around to best suit their needs? I sure hope so!

Random thoughts... Some deep... Some not.

We have had a wonderful trip. Denver with Uncle Sean and Aunt Korynn, the amazing city of New Orleans, a visit with Aunt Beth, Disney World, the beach with Abi, Legoland with Grammy and Poppa, finally seeing where Jason's brother and family live, and Nashville with good friends in 12 days! I'm tired, but have loved every moment. School has been scarce, but my kids have had plenty of education on this trip. Swamps, historical buildings, war heroes, learning to use maps, the list goes on and on! I am so grateful God has provide our family these opportunities I love to travel!

Things I've learned, observed and thought about...

*apparently it's ok to push small children and women carrying babies at Disney World.

* Never go to Florida in the winter without hats, gloves and down jackets.

* people are who they are, accept them and love them.

*Krispie Kreme is nasty, really nasty.

*Towels will never dry outside in Florida

* I can't wait to go back to New Orleans, I love that place!

*Laughing at angry, almost teenagers is a BAD idea.

On a more serious note. I observed a lot of retirees in Florida, nice cars, big RV's, tan skin. All things I'd love to have some day. There has definitely been talk of early retirement in our house. We started out early, we ought to end early right? To each their own of course, but I'm not willing to just waste my time for 20 years. I wonder how many of us have 5, 10, 15 year plans. A plan to acquire money, things and time. Do any of our plans include giving, helping, serving or changing lives.

Changing lives? Do you know smiling at someone can change their LIVES? Buying someone coffee, taking the time to really care how they are doing, spending $30 a month to feed and educate a child, being a mentor, volunteering. Obviously my passion is adoption and loving kids. I know it may not be your passion. I challenge you to find your passion. Big or small, put changing a life in your plan.

That obnxious family update...

Since I'm on a roll today...

Everyone has their own opinions on Christmas "newsletters". Some people think it's great, others really don't need to know your kid was potty trained and learned to blow their nose this year. Stop reading now if you don't want to know what my kids did this year! However there should be no mention of potties or boogers!

First we will start with me becuase let's be realistic, without me this thing doesn't happen! :) I have accomplished nothing the world would think is exciting this year. I have kept 6 children alive and educated, driven them around in my 12 passenger van with pride and done it all on about 4 hours of sleep the last 5 months. Homeshcooling everyone has really been a blessing. I love having them home and watcting them play and learn together. Yes, I'm awesome!

Jason is a little more awesome than I am. He actually is required to get dressed every morning and leave the house at a reasonable hour. He has accomplished quite a bit this year. His business is up to about 40 employees. He is now a certified solar guy and balancing guy. I'm not exactly sure what the real names for those are! And as always despite the stress, the busyness and the traveling he is #1 dad in my book!

Madalyn has become very useful to us this year. She is a fabulous babysitter, responsible and kind. Her babysitting jobs started out with Hailey chopping off her own hair and an accident bad enough to make a trip to the ER (Hailey again)! She handled both very calmly! She has decided soccer is not for her after a rough season and is trying volleyball. Her true gift is photography. I really believe she has a gift for seeing things others don't. Even though Madalyn is on a bit of an emotional roller coaster these days, I love her to pieces. I love her wisdom, her thoughtfulness, and her loyalty to this family!

Our sweet Samantha has gotten a bit Sassy, but it's not her fault! She rebelliously fought the homeschooling, but I think she's glad she is doing it now! Samantha's ballet has improved greatly this year and she has added tap and jazz and Girl Scouts to her schedule. She has been helping/teaching the 3 year old ballet class and they LOVE her! She also choreographed her first dance for Hailey's ballet class. I'm pretty proud of her.

My wild little beast Lia has turned into an incredibly big hearted, kind, talented young lady! Her best friend Ella continues her battle with cancer. Lia and I spent a long day with her and her mother at St. Jude's in October. It was an amazing experience for Lia that I don't think she will ever forget. Lia loves to sing and dance. And she's good. Jut don't tell her how to sing or dance! Lia has always been our baby whisperer. She takes care of Amaya good, bad, ugly, and smelly!

The big beast trained the little beast and that's all I have to say about Hailey.

Kidding! Hailey is amazing! She's turning out to be incredibly smart and loves "school". She's adding, subtracting and figuring out how to read. She is also turning out to be quite the little dancer. She moved up to real ballet, tap and jazz. She stole the Christmas show, and even made me cry a little! Hailey is like Icy, Hot. No one will ever love you as much as Hailey and you will never run from anyone as fast as you will if she's coming after you!

Ahhh, my saving grace (most days). Shaun is the peace in this home. Not much bothers him, he's not interested in a fight, and he doesn't have an ounce of girly emotion. Thank you Jesus for giving me one boy to keep things in balance here. Shaun played some soccer and did some gymnastics. He's mostly happy just hanging around playing. He shames me on a daily basis my the amount of push ups and sit ups he can do. He is just waiting for his football days. I am amazed how far this little boy has come. From fear to freedom.

And new to the newsletter... Amaya Lillian Serenity. I saw it in her eyes the first time I held her. She's a fighter, she's wild and she's got thing to do and places to go! We are so blessed to have her. She lights up everything around her! She's a little magnet and no one can resist her! Amaya has 2 teeth already!! I have heard of those babies who get teeth at 4 months, but I have never actually seen one. Now I have one. She can sit up and has that on your mark, get set crawl going on. She just hasn't gotten the GO yet. I'm pretty sure I am not ready for the GO yet!

The dogs are still dumb, but at least they won't let my kids get eaten by mountain lions!

So that's it folks. God has blessed us beyond measure. I look at my life everyday and am overwhelmed with thankfulness. We hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and remember yes, I'm going to say it... JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!

WOW! So much has happened since May! I'm sure you all know we were blessed with this amazingly beautiful, spirited baby girl! Here's the story for those of you who don't know it.

After feeling pretty discouraged with Liberia and scared of foster care we began pursuing an infant adoption since our homestudy was done. Our goal was to provide a family for any child who God chose.

We contacted our agency in Florida and let them know we were interested in an AA baby boy. We really felt like Shaun needed a brother who looked like him. So we waited.

I got a phone call in May letting us know of a birthmom who was due in just a few weeks. She had just come into the agency and there were still very few details. I let them know I had to talk to Jason. The one catch, the birthmom did NOT want to know the sex of the baby. Jason said yes. In the adoption world you know when it's right. It just is.

After a lot of back and forth calls. She chose us! I have to admit I wondered who would choose a family who already had 5 kids. Who that was, was exactly who God wanted for us. It turned out after some doctors visits the baby was not due until the beginning of July. This was a bit of a relief. It gave ust time to think and plan as much as you can for a baby!

We all loaded up in the van and headed to Florida at the end of June. We spent the majority of the trip talking about this baby. We still didn't know if it was a boy or a girl. It's the craziest thing trying to imagine what your baby will look like and what your life will be like.

We got to Florida and Jason stayed one day, hopped on a plane and came back to work. June 29th I drove to the beach with the kids to see my Dad. We knew our birthmom had a scheduled C-section on the 3oth. However we had no idea what time or if we'd be able to see the baby that day. We got up early on the 30th and made the drive back to Orlando, waiting for a phone call.

Just as I was pulling back into the city. My phone rang. My stomach dropped to the floor boards. I answered and was told the baby is here and IT'S A GIRL!!!! I think we knew it all along. The girls all screamed and Shaun got very quiet. We called Jason right away. We told him and he said, "of course it's a girl! I knew it would be!" Unfortunately we were not able to go to the hospital that day.

Jason flew back for the 4th of July weekend. We were hoping to get our baby on the 2nd, but got a call saying the birthmom wanted to keep her an extra day. This of course sent a wave of panic and fear that she was changing her mind. Gratefully, we got a call early on the June 3rd saying we could come get our baby!

Born on June 30, 2011 and placed into our arms on July 3rd, 2011... Amaya Lillian Serenity!!! Jason only got to spend one day with her before he headed back to work. I'm pretty sure his heart broke into a million pieces having to leave her!

Amaya has been such an incredible baby since the beginning. I can't imagine my life without her. She has blessed us with so much joy!

Five and a half months later we are trucking along. Amaya can sit up, she has teeth, and she's just about ready to crawl! Jason and I were definitely caught off guard with a newborn. We have been in a bit of a fog, but no matter how foggy things have been, it's clear we love this little girl unconditionally forever!

Someone else loves her maybe more than us and probably more fiercly. That would be her big brother. He has let no harm come to her since the day she was in our arms. In the beginning he was constantly asking me when she cried, "MOM, what are you doing to MY baby?". Yes, his baby! It took him all of 5 minutes to stop being upset he wasn't getting a brother. I told him God chose him and Amaya needed him! Even though we thought Shaun needed a brother, he didn't. He loves being the only boy. He loves that he is the only one who is "the same" as Jason. He needs that. He needs to be the only one. As much as we thought we knew best, as usual we didn't.

The girls are of course in love with her. Nothing can compare to a sister. Even if you have 4 of them!

If you go back and look at this blog from the beginning until now, you will say, "wow, Christine is not normal, she's certifiably CrAzY!". We have planned and deliberated back and forth, back and forth. Here is an update from crazy town.

Liberia: We have not spoken to Sundayma in 6 weeks. We have not been able to get in contact with her, but have spoken briefly with the woman who takes care of her. Things are getting a bit muddy there and we don't see anything happening anytime soon. There will be a change in political offices in October and this may or may not be in our favor. We just have to wait. We have considered moving there temporarily, building an orphanage there, and visiting there. All of these doors seem to be closing right now.

Adopting Domestically: We are working with an agency in Florida to adopt an infant, but again we just have to wait. They have all of our paperwork and when/if a family chooses us they will call us.

A NEW door! We have also been looking into adopting from the foster care system. Because of the ages of our kids we are cautious with what we are considering and what we are capable of offering. Every thing we have inquired about has so far not worked out.

We also are in the process of starting the non-profit. The Refuge. We had the intention of using this to build in Liberia, but now are questioning that. God is always our Refuge and we are exploring several options of how we can walk hand in hand with Him in providing Refuge for orphans domestically and internationally.

We know that someday we may walk away from all of this. We also know that we will look back and say, "wow, God's timing really is perfect. We learned so much about yourselves, God's word and who He wants us to be!" We just found out Shaun probably has asthma. He has to use a nebulizer twice a day for 15 minutes until we get some answers. I was just thinking I sure am glad we don't have a baby yet. I am home schooling all 3 of the girls this fall and starting some kindergarten with Hailey while Shaun soaks it all in! I'm excited and definitely a little nervous. Our lives are constantly evolving and I trust 100% that God has everything under control.

We aren't the type to sit around. Just because God has everything under control doesn't mean we sit and wait for something to show up on our doorstep. We have to be active in knocking and seeking. We are open to anything, we are pursuing everything cautiously and prayerfully. Please continue to keep our journey in your prayers. One day we will all look back at this blog and will be awe struck by the amazing things God has done!